DHS Secretary Noem More
She Gone
We now know the answer to a question on many political pundit’s minds: who will be the first Cabinet Secretary in Trump 2.0 to get the axe. If you had former South Dakota Governor, First Responder Cosplaytriot, MAGA Face trendsetter1, and admitted puppy killer Kristi Noem, then YOU ARE THE BIG WINNER! Hell, I am sure that at least a few folks were able to get their Polymarket bets in yesterday just before the news was announced and cash in. It happens with nearly every big decision made by this admin.
Not only is it just so fitting that the first casualty from this admin (no, I don’t count Dan Bongino realizing that real work is hard and running back to his podcast desk)2 is a woman, that was bound to be the case from day one. Even worse is the fact that Dear Leader made her go debase herself in front of Congress for two days knowing full well that he was likely to cut her loose soon. Imagine having to answer questions about your fuck buddy “special employee” while sitting next to your husband. Wonder what the car ride from that hearing was like. I really don’t care what “arrangements” grown adults have with their respective spouses nor what people do in their bedrooms. Unless, of course, that bedroom is on a jet paid for by my tax dollars. But I digress.
Yes, I realize that she was “reassigned” to Shield of the Americas or whatever. I’m sure it’s just like the time she told the family that Cricket was going away to a nice farm upstate as well. We can all take comfort in the fact that, more than likely, her political career is in the gravel pit with Cricket.
The Top Highlights
If this were any sort of sane timeline, I could start this section by stating that Noem was far and away the most divisive and controversial member of T2.0. But that’s not the world we live in, sadly. They are all just. so. bad. In their own horrible ways. That said, let’s take a trip to revisit ICE Barbie’s Greatest Hits:
Minnesota
After a couple of test runs in Los Angeles and Chicago, Noem directed her Goon Squad to occupy Minnesota, well known for its lawlessness, gang violence, and overall thuggery. While people had been killed by ICE in both LA and Chicago, they were brown. There was also no video. That all changed barely a month into Operation Metro Surge when Jonathan Ross, a 10-year veteran and training officer with ICE shot and killed Renee Good for the heinous act of… driving her car. Less than three weeks later CBP officers bum rushed VA nurse Alex Pretti, pepper spraying him before shooting and killing him. In both cases Noem was in front of cameras calling the victims domestic terrorists, without a shred of evidence and likely while they still lay where her goons ended their lives. When video evidence of both killings served to debunk Noem’s initial claims, she doubled down.
CECOT, Court Orders, and the Deportation Lie
On March 15, 2025, ICE deported 238 men to El Salvador where they were incarcerated in the infamous CECOT prison. The admin argued that all of the men were members of the Venezuelan Tren de Aragua gang, but it was later determined that less than 40 of the men had criminal records in the United States. Further, the men were all denied any form of due process and ICE defied a direct order from Judge James Boasberg to turn the planes around and return the men to the United States. The Department of Justice eventually identified Noem as the person who gave the order not to turn the planes around. On March 26th, Noem visited the prison, filming a message to undocumented people in the US while standing in front of a cage full of prisoners. Eventually the men were released from CECOT in a prisoner exchange with the government of Venezuela.
The $220 Million Vanity Ad Campaign
Folks who follow these types of things will tell you that Noem has always had designs on holding an office a bit more important than DHS Secretary, so it was no surprise to see her using DHS resources to start to develop a portfolio of propaganda. What may have been a surprise though was that DHS invoked a “national emergency” which allowed her to bypass normal competitive bidding when she awarded the $220 million3 contract. The majority of the money, $143 million, went to a mysterious Delaware LLC called Safe America Media that was formed just days before receiving the deal. The remaining $77 million went to Republican ad firm in Louisiana. Safe America Media then contracted with a company called Strategy Group, whose CEO is married to Tricia McLaughlin. McLaughlin was, until she resigned late last month, Noem’s chief spokesperson at DHS.
But wait, there’s more
Any one of the above controversies would likely have been enough to sink a Cabinet Secretary in literally any other administration4, but there was so, so much more:
The Lewandowski Problem
It was apparently an open secret that Noem and her “special government employee” Corey Lewandowski were doing the dirty. Again, not my business, I don’t care. Thing is, by all accounts Corey was/is, well, an asshole. Sleeping with an employee is one thing, but buying planes with built-in fuckrooms, on the taxpayer’s dime, is something totally different. In fact, Noem seems to have a thing about airplanes, as by all reporting she has purchased as many as nine aircraft for DHS’ use, including the fuckplane, TWO Gulfstream luxury jets, and six 737s to use for deportation flights.
During the testimony this week, Noem was asked point-blank by Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal (D) whether or not Lewandowsky made decisions or policy at DHS, to which she vehemently replied that he did not. That night ProPublica released a piece that countered Noem’s denials, including images of documents signed by both Lewandowsky and Noem. Blumenthal must read ProPublica because the next day he sent the Secretary a blistering letter demanding her to amend her testimony and explain why she lied.
Noem was fired the next day.
FEMA Backlog: Disaster Relief as Personal Fiefdom
In June 2025, Noem issued a directive requiring her personal written approval for any DHS contracts, grants, or funding obligations above $100,000. Officials said the policy created significant backlogs for mission-critical funding, including FEMA disaster relief programs. In fact, Republican Senator Thom Tillis railed against Noem, pointing out that her policy was causing aid that has been desperately needed in his state of North Carolina since Hurricane Helene in 2024. In what can only be described as a DC Miracle, Noem approved the funding the very next day.
Only after Senior DHS officials complained privately about what they described as Noem and Lewandowski’s micromanagement of contracts and operational decisions, which they said undermined the trust of major DHS component leaders.
Chicago: Human Props, a Shooting, and Viral Propaganda
The murders of American citizens in Minnesota understandably dominate any inspection of DHS’ actions in American cities, but we can’t forget the things that were done in Chicago during Operation Midway Blitz. For example, there was the assault on a South Shore apartment building where federal agents in full tactical gear, who had arrived via truck and helicopter, descended on an apartment complex in the dead of night and subsequently rousting all of the tenants. All the while crews were filming it for a sizzle reel of DHS propaganda.
Another incident involved agents shooting Marimar Martinez 5 times, then bragging about it. In fact, the shooter, CBP agent Charles Exum, boasted in a group chat: "I fired 5 rounds and she had 7 holes. Put that in your book boys." DHS said that Martinez had rammed their car and instigated the confrontation. The agency repeatedly called her a domestic terrorist even after the charges were dropped. Months later the agent’s entire narrative was turned on its head when the agents’ bodycam video was released showing that essentially none of their testimony was factual.
These are just a very narrow sampling of the various ways that DHS created chaos and tension in the Windy City. I didn’t even mention all of the bullshit at the Broadview Detention Center, which is worth an entirely separate article.
The Real Reason She Was Shown the Door
It would be somewhat reassuring if any or all of the above were considered to be the action(s) that finally led to Noem’s ouster, but I feel that the truth is far simpler. Despite all of this fuckery, she likely lost her job for one of two reasons. Or both. She did some grifting (the ad campaign) and didn’t give the requisite cut to Dear Leader or Don Foolius got sick of being continuously embarrassed by Noem every time she had to face Congress, which seemed to be, well, all of the time. Do I have sources to back either up? No, not so much on the first, but is it really all that far of a walk to take? As far as the embarrassment angle, it was widely reported that Trump was furious when Noem claimed that he knew about, and gave his blessing to, the ad campaign.
Well, Bye
So now the Cosplay Queen of DHS has flown home to South Dakota (I wonder who was on the plane with her… her hubby or Corey. And did they take that plane?) I have to admit that I would boil with rage every time I watched this woman respond with her air of condescension, as if she could never face consequences. In fact, she always seemed to smirk when a member of Congress would mention that she would not be DHS Secretary, and Trump would not be President, forever. Well, one of those has already come to fruition.5
The petty part of me took a tremendous amount of perverse pleasure last night when I recalled Noem, at yet another hearing, saying that Kilmar Abrego Garcia would never come back to the United States. Well Kristi, he’s still here with his wife and kid, and you are not in charge anymore.
One angle to consider is whether or not Noem may go scorched Earth at this point and start spilling tea, but I don’t think that’s likely. Think about it, this article only touched on some of the stuff we know about. I have to think that there is more, perhaps far more, that we do not. But you know who does? Stephen Miller and Donald Trump. So no, I don’t think she (or anyone who leaves this admin) will be the ones to bring it down. They all know that the Department of Justice is now Trump’s attack dog, so they will keep quiet and behave. Goes to show you, yet again, that in Trumpworld you are valuable to the boss until you are not, and when you are not, you will be cast aside.
It will be interesting to see what, if anything, happens to Noem from a criminal or civil standpoint. Obviously, the Feds won’t do anything, but I wonder if any states attorneys will look to charge her. We could also discuss how things could be worse under the new Secretary, Mark Wayne6, especially since he won’t have Corey Lewandowski to stand up to Stephen Miller, but I am sure we will have plenty of time to discuss that in future articles.
Fun times all around.
Take Care and Stay Strong, Together
Seriously. Just look at the before and after. These are from her official 2019 Governor’s photo (left) and an appearance on TV in 2025 (right):
To be clear, I know that podcasting can be very hard work. I just don’t think that Danny B worked all that hard. Riling up MAGA seems pretty easy.
I don’t know a lot about these things, but folks that do tell me that this is a ridiculous amount for an ad campaign. Hell, the Melania movie “only” cost Jeff Bezos $75 million, and that included a $28 million bribe, erm, payment to the first lady.
Well, except maybe one other admin…
Do I even need to say it? No? I think you are all with me.
Assuming he does in fact leave a cushy job as OK Senator and gets confirmed. I don’t see enough GOP Senators going against his nomination though and we already know at least one Dem (stroke boy) will vote yay.